Sleepless night. . .

or is it morning? Either way, it's not for the reasons you would think when you have two babies. My babies and husband are slumbering peacefully and quietly in their beds (my oldest in my bed with my husband) while I CANNOT for the life of me get to sleep! Where is the justice? I woke up at about 5 am (maybe earlier, but 5 is when I actually bothered to look at the clock) and could NOT get back to sleep. Since I haven't had time to blog in what feels like a lifetime, I decided perhaps I should take advantage of these moments without children demanding my attention and update. . .

Life had been hectic and crazy. We haven't stopped! From Gander to Deer Lake to Robert's Arm (today), running Kids Rock Camp. . . it's been nuts. The wonderful thing about being so busy, however, is that it knocks the kids right out. I've discovered that while being busy is exhausting for me, it's wonderful to be able to have both kids in bed by 9 and get an hour or two for myself before it's time to go to bed.

One of the hardest parts of being a mom for me is the lack of time to myself. I grew up in a family where time to yourself was a MUST for everybody. We were a family of 4 in a big house that had 4 TVs in different corners. While we spent time together, and were a wonderful family, we also had our own little corner of the house (for myself and my sister, our bedrooms) to which we could go to get our personal alone time. We didn't have issues with reconciling what one liked in opposition to the other. We had our own space to do our own thing/watch our own thing. It was wonderful, really. That quiet time/personal space was such a blessing.

Now, however, life no longer works like that for me. I have two babies that are in high demand of mom's attention, so I can't run off to my room for alone time very often (even though I have made very clear that there MUST be a TV in my bedroom for that purpose). If my husband is watching golf on TV, which drives me MAD, I can't go off to my own corner, because there is somebody who needs me to do something for them. . . always. If somebody is not demanding something, there is something that needs to be done around the house.

Now, my time is consumed of feeding people, cleaning up after people, and entertaining small people. Totally "other" oriented. I don't really have a problem with that as such, my personality is such that I need to take care of people, it's who I am. However there are days when I close my eyes and think back to the days of going to my room, closing my door, and watching tv or reading a book with nobody to disturb me and no stress about what I'm not getting done around the house.

I've come to realize that the problem with adulthood is not necessarily the responsibilites, despite the increase in them. It's that we become more anal about them. 15 years ago, I would not have cared if the house was a mess, or if my room was a mess, while I watched TV. Who cares about the mess? I would have liked my mess. Now? Now if I'm sitting down for any amount of time I feel guilty because there MUST be a bathroom that needs to be cleaned or floors that need to be swept or clothes that need to be washed. Why do we become so anal about everything? Is there REALLY any harm if there are a few crumbs on the floor for a couple of hours (although really, there are permanent crumbs when you have children. . . whether you clean them or not)? I don't know. . . are we justified in being so obsessive about these things?

Anyhow, it's too late to try to get more sleep now. I'll have to sleep on the way to Robert's Arm (if my babies let me). I'm going to go, though, and try to get "things done" before we leave. . . lunches packed, clothes picked out, and somewhere in there I have to find time to get MYSELF ready. . . of course, that comes last. . .


PS. . . we found a baby-sitter for the fall!! Our good friends (who also have a 5 month old daughter) are going to attempt the great feat. . . they (the couple) are going to try to take care of the three children (including their own) while my husband and I are at work. We're so happy that it will be people that we love and trust taking care of our kids. . . such a relief!!