Sunday, October 25, 2009

hermit. . .

Yes, I have become a cyber hermit. Meaning, I have somehow found myself a recluse from the world of internet. I do manage to check facebook every so often, however I find myself going days without managing to log on. Twitter has become a non-existant part of my life, as has this blog, it seems.

There are several thing that have contributed to my hermitism (is that a word, haha). First off, I don't think that women who have 2 babies under 2 are meant to be able to work, take care of house and family, and also have a internet life. Add that to a husband who is often away working and taking the computer with him, and that leaves close to NO opportunities to participate in the world of online connections.

It feels very strange, to be honest. Since the internet has become commonplace (since sr. high or so for me, I guess), I have NEVER NOT been able to be involved in the community. Whether it be MSN messenger, email, online gaming, etc etc, I've always had access and the ability to get online and be "a part of the world". When I can't do that, I always feel like I'm "out of the loop" so to speak. . . as if there's this whole world there and I'm missing it, as if everyone else has a secret club that I keep missing the meetings for, and so I have no idea what's going on. Since I'm not much of a "people person", and I don't really have time for friends at the moment, the internet is really my only connection to the world outside of the school and my house. So I guess my feelings are justified, since I am "out of the loop" in life.

When we moved into this community, I had originally been really excited. We have friends here, there are a lot of young couples in the church, we have friends in communities nearby. . . then I started work and life started. Since I started work, I don't think that we've really "hung out" with anybody. This weekend, for example, I got home from work at about 2:30 Friday afternoon. It is now 9:45 on Sunday morning and I have yet to step foot outside of the house. Between nursing a sick child and trying to catch up on housework (which I have decided is a futile endeavor) and trying to get some correcting done, my time has been monopolized. There is no space for a social life right this moment.

I laugh when people say "but Lesley, you need to make sure that you make time for yourself. You come first" because it's a pile of . . . um . . . baloney. If I were to make time for myself and leave my sick child at home, or have a dirty house, or have work half finished, then I'd be selfish, lazy, dirty, etc etc. I don't mind not having time to myself right now, because I know that I'll do SOMETHING for myself down the road. But I certainly don't need people to pressure me to make MYSELF a priority when I'm already working hard at getting all of my other priorities done.

Now, after saying all of that, I probably sound extremely unhappy. I'm not. I'm actually fairly content with my life at this point. Aside from the obvious darkness that settled in when my father died (which will never go away), everything else is fairly good. I enjoy my boys. I find coming home after a stressful day in school, my boys make the stress fizzle away. They take me to the happiest, most contented place that exists for me. I don't mind if being a working mom means that I don't get to do things for myself, I'd rather not sacrifice the little time that I get to spend with the boys now to do things for me anyhow. The thought of a 'weekend away' without the boys is not appealing to me. I hardly see them during the week as it is, the weekend is when I get to spend what little time I can with them! As for my lack on internet time. . . some of that is my own fault. The time I DO get on the internet I usually spend catching up on my stalking of people. By the time I check my 2 email accounts (3 sometimes), get on facebook and check my messages and stalk my friends, I have spent a good 1/2 hour (sometimes more) and there is something urgent that needs my attention (for example, yesterday Isaac got into the food colouring and it was all over him. . . can't write a blog while that's happening!).

Anyhow, basically, this is why I have been non-existent. . . I have become a recluse, totally enveloped in the world of my babies and my classroom. Perhaps I'll make more effort to MAKE time for my blog. However, I wouldn't hold my breath on a new entry every day :)